1 Corinthians 15:9 -- Forgiving Ourselves

I am the least important of all the apostles. In fact, I caused so much trouble for God’s church that I don’t even deserve to be called an apostle.

1 Corinthians 15:9 (CEV)

The apostle Paul was not always a good man.  Prior to his conversion, he was violent, a blasphemer and persecuted the church wherever he found it.  And that's how he described himself in letters to Timothy and the church at Galatia.  

This is a fact that he carried with him until the end of his days. He never allowed himself to forget. He used that reminder of how he had previously acted as a remembrance towards the grace that Christ provided him. 

The thing is that Paul knew he was forgiven. He had no doubt of it, and was secure in his faith and the grace that Christ provided. 

Yet he choose to remember. 

That leads us to the question on whether he had forgiven himself. 

Some people would say that since he thought of it (and wrote of it) numerous times through his life and travels that he must have obviously not forgiven himself. They would naively associate forgiveness and forgetfulness together in this scenario. 

They would happily point out that Hebrews tells us that God doesn't remember our sins after we request forgiveness. 

Which always makes me laugh. 

I have a co-worker, who is significantly younger than I am, and I worked with him in writing various documentation for our jobs.  One of the things that I most harped upon is the fact that words are important. Individually a word means something, but that meaning is not immutable. Rather it changes and mutates based upon tone and inflection and the words that surround it.  Words are important. What we say, and how we say it, tells so much about who we are, our education, our opinions, what we think of ourselves and even what we think of others.

So, when we first look at remember, the definition that comes immediately to mind is "recall or call to mind. To have in memory"  

And that makes sense. It's how we typically use the word in today's society and grammar. 

But there's a different definition that makes more sense. The definition which tells us that the word means "commemorate, pay tribute to, or honor."  When it's used in sentences such as "remember me to Charlie" or "the congress should be remembered in our prayers." 

In that context, it becomes a word that deals less with memory, and more with how we react to something. How we think of something.  

I know what Hebrews says, but I also know that God cannot forget. He is omniscient, and as such is incapable of forgetting that I have sinned.  But He can just not think on it. 

And that is how we should approach our own life and sins. We know that we have committed them. They're a part of us, and nothing can now change them. They exist as a part of the tapestry of our life and self. But at the same time we do not need to let them define us or control us. When we seek His forgiveness, when we accept it, we are cleaned.  His grace is perfect, and to not forgive ourselves implies otherwise. 

Journal Prompt: Is there anything that you've not forgiven yourself of?